fitting in

you know i often sit here in front of my computer and wonder why i come here, i dont like sex, no interest in dating, i have been called rude a few times because people i dont know i try not to bother them,i came to the conclusion that if they are interested in getting to know me they will say hi.......i often sit in front of the computer watching chat and not knowing what to say, them it seems like some times when i do say something i either get ignored or the room gets quiet i leave the chat and can come back 5 minutes later and everyone is chatting up a storm.......maybe im reading to far into coincidence but my feelings are real, maybe its because it christmas and i dont carefor the holidays, suffered a few losses through the holidays....my family does things together with out me, i have 3 sisters i cant seem to connect with, not matter how hard i try if i need someone and i call one of them im ignored, i lost 2 partners 4 years apart one was a 24 year relationship. the other was a 3 year, no one was there for me the 24 ltr died in his sleep in my home i called ems that morning then my sister, didnt see anyone for 2 weeks.... theholiday after he died i was invited to my families house for the first time in years, do get me wrong they loved my partner especially my mom and dad he was like one of their kids, but i was with my sisters because they felt bad i was going to be alone, and said i shouldnt be alone so i went it was my first christmas with out him, i felt even more alone no one talked to mei sat on my sisters sofa and just watched whenever i spoke they spoke over me, so i the next year decided i would start spending christmas with my pets. so many people wonder why i have so many this is why when i talk to them they listen, if im sad they know.

you see everything with my sisters is fine unless im in crisisthen i really get ignored, or toldim over reacting or just stupid..........

last week i spilled juice while i was taking my meds some of them got wet, i had to call the dr to get new pills on three different onesit was on a wednesday, thursday i noticed the 3 bottles of pills were destroyed i call the dr had to wait around four days because it was a weekend to get them, that was four days of me spending my time in the darkness of my mind was not pretty.

i came to chat tried to act like nothing was wrong, but im sure a few people could tell something was off.

i have tried to be as open as a book here, but schizophrenia carries a stigma with it, most people thing the person has violent tendencies which is not true in most cases, peopleare nervous and paranoid, and afraid of big groups......before you think you have my kind figured out get to know me, im an open book.

i just dont fit in anywhere in this world, i dont like crowds, i dont like to leave my house, im a very quiet person, i leave my house like to go to the store, dr appoints and some times lunch but not often i always find an excuse to keep from going, my animals need me at home, if i do leave after about 10 or 15 minutes im ready to come home, my main way to socialize is chatting and i dont think i know how to do that correctly